You don’t really love pumpkin.

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Pumpkin.

Autumn | Pumpkin

No, no, you go ahead. I’ll wait while you envision cable knits and boots and falling leaves.

You good?

I don’t know why the mere mention of pumpkin evokes such warm, fuzzy feelings, but it’s apparent that it does.

Pumpkin Patch

I know this might be shocking or disturbing, but I’ve never eaten anything pumpkin. Not a single bite. Not even pumpkin pie, which is pretty much where pumpkin belongs, and even that’s nothing to write home about. (Oddly, when I searched for pumpkin recipes on Pinterest, I never came across pies.)

But ya know what people are making with pumpkin? Every-frigging-thing. Smoothies. Cupcakes. Cookies. Cheesecake. Fudge. Soup. Risotto. Barbecue Sauce. Soup. Pancakes. Cornbread.

Yes, Pumpkin Cornbread. Go ahead, check it out, pin it for later, do whatever you need to do.

Pumpkin Applesauce. You heard right.

Pumpkin Chili, because, why not? If people are whipping up pumpkin pasta, why not pumpkin chili? Is anything off limits when it comes to the single greatest seasonal ingredient ever?

I don’t think so.

Stop with the pumpkin. Really.

I blame Starbucks for all of this. Their Pumpkin Spice Latte has created this pumpkin culture. There’s not even any pumpkin in the damn thing! (Editor’s Note: There now is actual pumpkin in the PSL. Yippee.) Hell, there’s no pumpkin in a lot (most?) of the stuff that’s being peddled through September and October. It’s pumpkin spice. Spice — meaning cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice, and ginger.

And when you think pumpkin spice, the first thing you think of is Oreos, am I right?

Pumpkin Oreos

No. No, I am not right. That was a trick question!!!

I get that adding a pumpkin to the packaging instantly increases sales. But these Oreos most likely suck. Unless you like Golden Oreos (who, though? who likes Golden Oreos?) with cinnamon and nutmeg. And allspice and ginger. Then you’re probably all like, “These are the most amazing cookies evah!” You might feel like the staffers at Buzzfeed, whose reactions were as follows:

“I thought that this was going to be a weird flavor, but I like it a lot. It feels like autumn exists in my mouth whenever I take a bite!” 

“Tastes like fall, leaves crunching underneath feet, sweater weather. I don’t hate it.” 

“”[I]t reminded me of autumn hayrides, pumpkins on the porch, and hot cider.”

If you notice, none of those reactions has to do with the actual taste of the Pumpkin Spice Oreo. It’s about the idea of pumpkin, about how it makes you feel. There’s a difference.

Starbucks knows all about that emotional involvement between you and pumpkin. And while they might corner the market on pumpkin spice beverages, everyone is getting in on the pumpkin craze these days. Everyone. Seriously. It’s out of control.

Chobani Pumpkin Yogurt

Yogurt. Pumpkin yogurt. Meaning, yogurt flavored with cinnamon and nutmeg. Who would even buy cinnamon nutmeg yogurt? No one, that’s who! But slap a pumpkin on that baby and boom! Sold!

Pumpkin Waffles

There’s also pumpkin granola, pumpkin pancake mix, pumpkin oatmeal and pumpkin waffles.

Peanut Butter Pumpkin Jif Whips

And pumpkin pasta sauce and pumpkin Tazo Chai and pumpkin flavored Coffeemate. Oh, and Peanut Butter Pumpkin Pie Spice Jif Whips.

Pumpkin Pop Tarts | Pumpkin Cupcakes | Pumpkin Hot Cocoa

Pumpkin Pie Pop Tarts! Pumpkin Spice Cocoa! Pumpkin Spice Cupcakes! Yay!

Pumpkin Desserts

Entenmann’s has pulled out all the stops. They have pumpkin muffins and Pumpkin Little Bites, pumpkin donuts and donut holes, and pumpkin loaf. Tastykake has pumpkin, too. And Little Debbie has joined the fray as well.

Little Debbie Pumpkin Delights

You’ve probably noticed that your grocery store is packed with pumpkin paraphernalia (and it probably makes you feel all autumn-y). So is Amazon, in fact, which might be the only place to find some of those hard-to-find pumpkin items:

  • Pumpkin Spice pudding
  • Pumpkin Spice Hershey Kisses

Pumpkin Spice Chips

  • Nestle Pumpkin Spice Chips
  • Pumpkin Granola Bars
  • Pumpkin Pie Salt Water Taffy
  • Pumpkin Spice Mints

Pumpkin Spice Yogurt Pretzels

Pumpkin Spice Gum

There are Pumpkin Spice Pringles (just why?) and Pumpkin Spice Kahlua. And, of course, there are dozens of pumpkin beers to choose from.

Pumpkin Beer

Here’s the thing about pumpkin. You’re in love with the idea of pumpkin, not actual pumpkin. You like fall. Just about everyone likes fall. Those Buzzfeed staffers? They said the Pumpkin Spice Oreos tasted like autumn, like sweater weather, like leaves crunching. That has nothing to do with pumpkin. Pumpkin just represents how you feel about fall, and how fall makes you feel.

Here’s what you’re really thinking about when you get all giddy about pumpkin…

 Nordstrom Quilted Vest

Fall boots. And that quilted vest. Throw in a scarf, maybe a cable-knit sweater? It’s like wrapping yourself in pumpkin-y goodness, right? And then you get on a hayride, maybe pick some apples, all while enjoying the cool fall weather? Maybe your friends will have a bonfire and you’ll drink hot chocolate. I get it. Fall gives you the warm and fuzzies.

But for the love of God, stop it with the pumpkin.

Because this?

Pumpkin M&Ms

Should never happen.

Ever.

 

 

If you made it this far, I thought I should mention that this post is not sponsored, hence it is “non-sponsored content.” I needed something to show that I can actually write for the sake of writing. Not that there’s anything wrong with sponsored content. If you are interested in Pumpkin Almonds, Pumpkin Gum, Pumpkin Marshmallows, and Pumpkin Yogurt Pretzels, feel free to check them out on Amazon. The links in this post are affiliate links but you don’t have to use them. You probably didn’t click on them anyway, so it’s moot.

 

 

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Comments

  1. says

    I held off, believe it or not. I have about 15 more pumpkin product pics that are ready to go at a moment’s notice.

    For some reason, even I feel compelled to buy pumpkin stuff…like I almost went out of way to go to Starbucks for a PSL just so I could be part of the collective consciousness. Then, when I was getting donuts, I was like, Ohhhh, pumpkin donuts. Those must be good…

    WHY?? WHY WOULD THEY BE GOOD?

    I have NEVER eaten pumpkin, so why do I feel compelled to take part in this pumpkin mania?

    However, now I am dealing with the opposite attitude…refusing to try anything pumpkin, just for spite. LOL.
    Kristin recently posted..Charlie does Dirty DancingMy Profile

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