The Subway Black Card: Must. Have. Please?

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Dear Subway,

You’re probably not thrilled that the whole “Subway Black Card” thing was on TMZ recently. I get that. Because now you’re probably inundated with people begging for a Subway Black Card, asking how they can get their grubby little hands on one, requesting that special VIP treatment that is reserved for, oh, ya know…millionaires.

Subway Black Card

Now I know you know what the Subway Black Card is. Let’s not do that dance. You know. I know. You know I know. I know you know that I know. Let’s move on from that awkwardness. You have the Subway Black Card. It’s pretty “exclusive” from what I hear. But I want in. I must, must get in to this exclusive club.

But you’re probably wondering…big whoop. What does this schlub have to offer us? And why in the name of the exclusive Subway Black Card would we give her one? OK, that’s fair. Cause, after all, I’m no Jared, who reportedly has amassed a $15 million net worth, who is really the “face” of Subway. I get why he has a Subway Black Card, and even why the Subway Black Card was created for Jared. Or Ryan Howard, who is my favorite player on my beloved Phillies, the guy who gets harassed for making $20+ million a year. Or Jarvis Jones, your new spokesperson, who recently was drafted in the first round of the NFL draft, but also was drafted by Subway in what is reportedly a six-figure-deal. Jarvis Jones got a Subway Black Card.

Subway, this is ridiculous. These people are millionaires. They can afford to snag a $5 sub a few times a week. I, on the other hand, am not in the same income bracket as these folks. But, still, what do I have to offer, right? That’s what it’s all about. That’s what it’s always been about.

OK, I get it, Subway. You’re not gonna just dole out a Subway Black Card to everyone who comes a-knocking. That makes sense. This is a business, after all. So, allow me to appeal to that side of you, since I’m pretty sure you’re not gonna respond to the “but, Subway, my life sucks, and a Subway Black Card would make me feel so much better” attempt.

What I would do (and wouldn’t do) with a Subway Black Card:

Subway Restaurant Subway Black Card

photo by Gregory Maxwell, via Wikimedia Commons

I wouldn’t be a douchebag about it. I wouldn’t flash it around or act like I’m some celebrity when I pull it out of my wallet at Subway. I’d be discreet and tactful and respectful, which is how one should behave if they’re blessed with a Subway Black Card.

I wouldn’t show it off. I’m not buying a round of sandwiches for everyone present just because I can. I’m not bringing my “crew” to Subway to get free sandwiches (and, for the sake of full disclosure, I don’t even have a “crew.” I’m 42, for crying out loud). I also will not abuse the Subway Black Card by stocking up on sandwiches and then selling them out of my trunk like it’s an impromptu “Hoagie Day” in the ‘burbs.

I would, however, use a Subway Black Card responsibly. I would eat at Subway approximately three times a week, on average (based on my half-assed calculations that I did in my head, while driving, with no real factors as part of the equation that produced this result).

Subway Black Card

By SoHome Jacaranda Lilau (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0], via Wikimedia Commons

I would order a different combination sandwich every time I went to Subway, so that I could create an ongoing, clever series of blog posts about all that Subway has to offer and how you could potentially get a different sandwich every time you go to Subway for ____ (amount of time).

Here’s the biggie: On top of all that, I would represent a demographic that you know darn right well is difficult to convert to the concept of Subway, Eat Fresh, and all that…since I live in Philly, where the “hoagie” is something of an institution. Don’t take my word for it — 1) the hoagie is the official sandwich of Philadelphia, and b) the hoagie was invented in Philadelphia (according to multiple accounts)!

And, perhaps — just perhaps — I would lose a few pounds. I deal with some health issues that mean I should eat better (as in, ahem, “eat fresh”)…and I can show how that’s possible with Subway. It’s a win-win.

Let’s do the math, Subway. Even if I were to get a full foot-long (which might happen, say, half the time), that’s $5 retail, roughly. I started out in college as a business major, so I’m guessing the mark-up on this is significant. I’m not going to guess at what it is, but if I turn every sandwich into a post (or, if you’d prefer, one post a week, where I discuss the Subway sandwiches of which I’ve partaken that week, that works too)…your ROI is tremendous. That’s permanent advertising on my Philly blog, not to mention “word of mouth” advertising, in an area that is overwhelmed with sandwich shops…where just the notion of franchise sandwich shops is generally scoffed at.

You know this to be true (I’m pretty sure you have people who do this work for you). You can’t throw a rock without hitting a sandwich shop around these parts. That’s why there aren’t a ton of Subway stores in my area. There are only two within two miles of my home. But I can’t even count how many privately owned sandwich shops there are within a two-mile range of my home. Seriously. I get that there are practically 40,000 Subways around the world. But Philly? Not overloaded with them. That’s where I come in.

Grant me the Holy Grail, the Subway Black Card. I’ll do right by you, Subway. I promise our relationship will be in your best interests. (OK…and mine.)

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Comments

  1. Tammy S says

    Great post!! You had me laughing out loud! I love how you promise not to roll in with your “crew” for free subs for everyone. I am not sure you will be hearing from Subway anytime soon. Good luck!

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