The Subway Black Card: Must. Have. Please?

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Dear Subway,

You’re probably not thrilled that the whole “Subway Black Card” thing was on TMZ recently. I get that. Because now you’re probably inundated with people begging for a Subway Black Card, asking how they can get their grubby little hands on one, requesting that special VIP treatment that is reserved for, oh, ya know…millionaires.

Subway Black Card

Now I know you know what the Subway Black Card is. Let’s not do that dance. You know. I know. You know I know. I know you know that I know. Let’s move on from that awkwardness. You have the Subway Black Card. It’s pretty “exclusive” from what I hear. But I want in. I must, must get in to this exclusive club.

But you’re probably wondering…big whoop. What does this schlub have to offer us? And why in the name of the exclusive Subway Black Card would we give her one? OK, that’s fair. Cause, after all, I’m no Jared, who reportedly has amassed a $15 million net worth, who is really the “face” of Subway. I get why he has a Subway Black Card, and even why the Subway Black Card was created for Jared. However, unlike Jared, I am not involved with child pornography. So that’s a plus.

What about Ryan Howard, my favorite player on my beloved Phillies, the guy who gets harassed for making $20+ million a year? Or Jarvis Jones, your new spokesperson, who recently was drafted in the first round of the NFL draft, and also was drafted by Subway in what is reportedly a six-figure-deal? Jarvis Jones got a Subway Black Card.


Subway, this is ridiculous. These people are millionaires. They can afford to snag a $5 sub a few times a week. I, on the other hand, am not in the same income bracket as these folks. But, still, what do I have to offer, right? That’s what it’s all about. That’s what it’s always been about.

OK, I get it, Subway. You’re not gonna just dole out a Subway Black Card to everyone who comes a-knocking. That makes sense. This is a business, after all. So, allow me to appeal to that side of you, since I’m pretty sure you’re not gonna respond to the “but, Subway, my life sucks, and a Subway Black Card would make me feel so much better” attempt.

What I would do (and wouldn’t do) with a Subway Black Card:

Subway Restaurant Subway Black Card

photo by Gregory Maxwell, via Wikimedia Commons

I wouldn’t be a douchebag about it. I wouldn’t flash it around or act like I’m some celebrity when I pull it out of my wallet at Subway. I’d be discreet and tactful and respectful, which is how one should behave if they’re blessed with a Subway Black Card.

I wouldn’t show it off. I’m not buying a round of sandwiches for everyone present just because I can. I’m not bringing my “crew” to Subway to get free sandwiches (and, for the sake of full disclosure, I don’t even have a “crew.” I’m 42, for crying out loud). I also will not abuse the Subway Black Card by stocking up on sandwiches and then selling them out of my trunk like it’s an impromptu “Hoagie Day” in the ‘burbs.

I would, however, use a Subway Black Card responsibly. I would eat at Subway approximately three times a week, on average (based on my half-assed calculations that I did in my head, while driving, with no real factors as part of the equation that produced this result).

Subway Black Card

By SoHome Jacaranda Lilau (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0], via Wikimedia Commons

I would order a different combination sandwich every time I went to Subway, so that I could create an ongoing, clever series of blog posts about all that Subway has to offer and how you could potentially get a different sandwich every time you go to Subway for ____ (amount of time).

Here’s the biggie: On top of all that, I would represent a demographic that you know darn right well is difficult to convert to the concept of Subway, Eat Fresh, and all that…since I live in Philly, where the “hoagie” is something of an institution. Don’t take my word for it — 1) the hoagie is the official sandwich of Philadelphia, and b) the hoagie was invented in Philadelphia (according to multiple accounts)!

And, perhaps — just perhaps — I would lose a few pounds. I deal with some health issues that mean I should eat better (as in, ahem, “eat fresh”)…and I can show how that’s possible with Subway. It’s a win-win.

Let’s do the math, Subway. Even if I were to get a full foot-long (which might happen, say, half the time), that’s $5 retail, roughly. I started out in college as a business major, so I’m guessing the mark-up on this is significant. I’m not going to guess at what it is, but if I turn every sandwich into a post (or, if you’d prefer, one post a week, where I discuss the Subway sandwiches of which I’ve partaken that week, that works too)…your ROI is tremendous. That’s permanent advertising on my Philly blog, not to mention “word of mouth” advertising, in an area that is overwhelmed with sandwich shops…where just the notion of franchise sandwich shops is generally scoffed at.

You know this to be true (I’m pretty sure you have people who do this work for you). You can’t throw a rock without hitting a sandwich shop around these parts. That’s why there aren’t a ton of Subway stores in my area. There are only two within two miles of my home. But I can’t even count how many privately owned sandwich shops there are within a two-mile range of my home. Seriously. I get that there are practically 40,000 Subways around the world. But Philly? Not overloaded with them. That’s where I come in.

Grant me the Holy Grail, the Subway Black Card. I’ll do right by you, Subway. I promise our relationship will be in your best interests. (OK…and mine.)

I can guarantee you this, Subway…I won’t embarrass you like Jared has. Ever.

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Comments

  1. Tammy S says

    Great post!! You had me laughing out loud! I love how you promise not to roll in with your “crew” for free subs for everyone. I am not sure you will be hearing from Subway anytime soon. Good luck!

  2. ROBERT WIMBERLEY says

    IT JUST DOESN’T SEEM RIGHT, THAT YOU HAVE TO BE A MILLIONAIRE TO GET A BLACK CARD, OR GET FREE SANDWICHES FOR LIFE!!!

    FOR ONCE I WOULD LIKE TO SEE A COMPANY CATER TO A PERSON OR A FAMILY!!! THAT IS TRULY IN NEED OF HELP TRYING TO FEED THEIR FAMILY A HEALTHY ALTERNATIVE IN DINING!!!

  3. says

    I couldn’t help but laugh at your feeble attempt to attract attention from the corporate offices of Subway…but then I thought, what if a dozen of us bloggers got together, posted similar pleas for sub-loving mercy, cross-linked to each of our stories and made a few explainer scripts pronouncing our love of free food (mainly the Eat Fresh kind). We can even start a Change.org petition and a Kickstarter campaign to gain national media.

    With the social media influence we could jointly deliver alone, surely that would be worth a few dozen subs a week…wouldn’t it?
    Keith Koons recently posted..Are You More Loyal to Client Success or Your Own Bottom Line?My Profile

    • says

      Hi, Kevin. My effort was indeed feeble. Ya know, there’s got to be a way…if anything, Subway should consider some huge marketing campaign where they give one winner a Black Card. I think that would be pretty successful. I just want the Black Card, and I’m pretty sure that’s the only way I’d get my hands on one.

  4. says

    Honestly, I think we could get one if we built a little campaign around it.

    The reason why I found your site today is because I was looking at the news where Jared got busted for child porn. One thing led to another and here I am. But it also got me thinking, what if we put a little effort into a viral campaign? My site has close to 10k reader a month and a whole lot more of social media, and it wouldn’t be hard to combine our creative efforts, make a few funny videos, and get the executive’s attention through a guerrilla approach. If we got 4-5 of us and combined our resources for a weekend, I bet we could earn those black cards directly or by shaming them into it. =)

    • says

      You are definitely on to something there…I think some really witty, clever videos and social media blitzing could totally work! That would be a fun experiment. You just need to get witty, clever bloggers on board. :)

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