Notes To My Future Husband: A Bitch’s Guide to Our Happily Ever After ($12.99)
Author: The Coquette
Meet The Coquette, the insanely popular advice columist for The Daily. Smirking but never cynical, she’s a bad-ass with her own ideas about what it means to be a wife and what it takes to be a husband. Notes to My Future Husband is a modern woman’s collection of tips on life, love, and everything in between.
Based on the blog named one of the “funniest ever” by the New York Observer, this book is perfect for any seriously awesome bitch-or the man who loves her.
Cold Cuts: If we have ham and you leave less than three slices in the package, you should just stab me in my sleep. What am I supposed to do with less than three pieces of ham? Dry my tears?
•Obey: The word that will be conspicuously missing from our wedding vows.
•I promise: to never comment on your bad breath, as long as you don’t come near me with bad breath.
•We’re going to make a lot of parenting mistakes: Let’s not make putting leashes on our children when we go to the mall one of them.
•Your job: I know I’m the ‘free spirited one’, but you’re not allowed to be doing something that makes you miserable. Sorry. We’ll f***’in live in a box, it’s fine.
Let me tell you how awesomely witty Notes To My Future Husband is. I read it in ONE sitting. It was outrageous and outrageously funny. In fact, I read it in bed and found myself reading aloud so that W wouldn’t think I was nuts as I tried (unsuccessfully) to stifle my incessant giggles.
Notes to My Future Husband is wickedly sharp-tongued and does not hold back on anything. There’s a good deal of profanity (but it’s not gratuitous) and sexuality, so you’ve been warned. If you need some laughs (and by “some,” I mean a constant barrage), you will love this book. The title basically tells you what you’re in for. If you bristle at swear words, this book isn’t for you. I’m not judging…just stating what appears to be rather obvious.
Here are some of my favorite portions (just some, because I have far too many to list!):
In Notes on Food: “If you aren’t willing to smell the milk, then obviously I’m not willing to smell the milk. Just f***’ing toss it.”
In Notes on F***’ing Up: “Princess. Don’t ever f***’ing call me that.”
In Notes on Your Appearance: “Ascots. That s*** doesn’t fly unless you’re British.” Also, “Bedazzler. You are not a cast member on Jersey Shore. The only things on your shirt that are allowed to sparkle are the cufflinks.”
In Notes on Your Behavior: “There is a tiny courtroom stenographer living in my head, and that bitch is more than happy to read me back the record any time it’s necessary. Fair warning: that includes every argument, every promise, and every conversation we’ve ever had, verbatim.”
In Notes on the Good Stuff: ” Intelligence. Every day I’m thankful that you’re not one of those people who says “for all intensive purposes” or misuses the word “literally.””
I cannot recommend Notes To My Future Husband enough. It is a riot. In fact, just writing this review makes me want to read it again. It’s that good.
You can purchase Notes To My Future Husband for yourself and any woman on your gift list, as long as they have a sense of humor!
I was not compensated for writing this post. Sourcebooks provided a copy for review. My opinions are 100% honest and 100% mine.