I was anxiously awaiting all of Mitt Romney’s well-rehearsed “zingers” (sharp, witty, or pointed remarks or retorts) for tonight’s presidential debate when a little surprise arrived in the mail.
A letter from Mitt Romney. As well as a return envelope that is addressed to the attention of Mitt Romney.
All right, it wasn’t a personal letter, but a letter nonetheless. Well, a four-page missive, rather. Four pages. Hasn’t Mitt Romney heard about America’s collective short attention span? Mitt Romney isn’t out of touch, is he? No, siree.
Mitt Romney actually addressed the letter to W, who I should mention is a member of a union. He has no record of donating to politicians — Republican or otherwise, yet, here’s how the letter opened…
I am running for President of the United States and because you are one of America’s most notable Republicans, I want to personally let you know why.
Whoa. Who knew that I was living with one of America’s most notable Republicans? This is so exciting! I’m not sure what perks come along with that, but I’m going to check into it.
This news is far too important to nitpick over the fact that “president” doesn’t need a capital unless it’s in front of the name of the actual president (and the fact that Mitt Romney didn’t capitalize it later on the same page or in most usages throughout the letter). We’ll also ignore how including the word “personally” when you are speaking in first person in a letter you supposedly wrote is redundant and unnecessarily wordy.
Let’s see if Mitt’s letter gives me any clues to what’s in store for this newly discovered GOP power couple. I can barely contain my giddiness as I type that phrase. I’m part of a GOP power couple! Reality TV producers should be knocking at my door any minute. I guess I should get out of these un-notable shorts and un-notable t-shirt and put on something slightly more respectable, like pearls and a pencil skirt.
…I know there are some key Republicans — like you — who are willing to take their commitment to the next level.
Duh! W is one of America’s most notable Republicans! Wanting to take his commitment to the next level is pretty much a given, Mitt. But how can W do that?
Comprised of major contributors who are 100% committed to defeating President Obama and electing a Republican majority in Congress, [Romney Victory] was created to build on the momentum we have created and recognize our Party’s most influential members.
I’m pretty sure he’s talking about W when he says “our Party’s most influential members.” Let me keep reading to be sure…
Will you please join Romney Victory with a major gift?
The first $5,000 of your generous support will go directly to Romney for President where it will be used to show the American people that it doesn’t have to be this way.
What “way” is that, Mitt? Shoot. He doesn’t specify. Ah, I’ll just ask W. He should know. Let’s see what else Mitt has to say.
I would be honored if you would join our effort. The maximum personal contribution is $75,800, which I know is a significant request.
Not for one of the most notable Republicans in America, Mitt! Count this GOP power couple in! I don’t want to let anyone out-contribute us — I’m competitive that way. Unfortunately, W doesn’t own a business — which, admittedly, is odd for one of the most notable Republicans in America — so we can’t make a corporate donation. Maybe next time, though!
…with your gift of at least $5,000, you will be offered exclusive updates and will be connected with a dedicated Romney Victory staff member who will stand ready to assist you with up-to-the-minute election information.
Say what? For $5,000 I can get “exclusive updates” (how “exclusive,” exactly? I mean, it is a month til the election…I would think important news wouldn’t be kept secret at this point. Plus, are we talking mass e-mails or something more “exclusive” like texts?) plus a lackey? I’m not sure why I need help with “up-to-the-minute election information” (whatever that is), since I’m precisely one half of a GOP power couple, but whatever. Sign me up.
Mitt Romney needs our money, apparently because “the President’s campaign is expected to spend a billion dollars and his liberal allies, special interest, and powerful unions are willing to spend millions more to keep the liberals in power.” Uh oh. Mitt Romney might have sent this letter to the wrong person.
It’s ironic that Mitt Romney uses the phrase “out of touch,” considering that he sent this letter to a man who doesn’t donate to politicians; let’s not forget the fact that he’s expecting at least $5,000 (but would like significantly more) from a union worker.
More important, though, is that this means I’m not half of a GOP power couple.
You got me, Mitt. You totally got me.