While perusing the “free movies” section that Comcast currently is offering On Demand, I noticed that someone has been playing fast and loose with the movie info. I have to admit, it’s a whole lot better than the boring summary that is usually featured. And, yes, these are, word-for-word, the actual summaries listed…
It’s speak like a pirate month ARGH!!!!!
13. Black Mama
Two female prisoners from different worlds refuse to get along, so what do you do? Chain them together. This metal connection between the two isn’t helping, as they escape from prison and run wild through the jungle.
12. Route 666
A prison chain gang is mysteriously killed on a lonely road, which is probably good. FBI agents protecting a witness get attacked on that same road by the dead chain gang members, which is totally not good.
11. Queen of Blood
Traveling to space can throw a lot of things your way. But when you pick up a female alien who drains your entire crew of blood, you might be in more trouble than you thought. Throw in the title of queen and you’ll find some eggs in your basket.
Nick Collier invites ten friends to a surprise going-away party for Jimmy. The surprise is, Nick has killed Jimmy and stuffed him into a piece of living room furniture. It’s Nick’s attempt at fame. And the ten friends are next.
9. Smokey & the Bandit
A comedy classic! Two freewheeling truckers and a runaway bride run a load of illegal beer to Atlanta. “What we’re dealing with here is a complete lack of respect for the law!”
8. Sting of Death
Spring Break, hit the beach…only these kids won’t ever graduate! A mutant half-man jelly-fish kills kids cause he’s in love! Makes sense to us! With music by Neil Sedaka and the most hilarious-looking movie monster ever…enough said!
7. Pinocchio’s Revenge
A mother gives her daughter a wooden Pinocchio puppet. Only problem is that it might be an evil bloodthirsty Pinocchio puppet that kills people. You won’t find this doll at the Disney store.
6. Naked Witch Movie…
When a college student digs up the remains of an ancient witch, she suddenly comes back to life, killing off the descendants of those who condemned her, and strolling around in her birthday suit…
5. Boogeyman (2005)
Remember when you were a kid and you were afraid of the Boogeyman? You got over it, right? Well Tim never did. He still thinks the Boogeyman killed his dad. So to allay his fear, Tim’s going back to spend one more night in his childhood home. Poor Tim.
4. House of the Dead
Bro, check it out — Seriously huge rave on Zombie Island tonight! Seriously! A bunch of us are going over there. Why do they call it “Zombie Island?” Dunno. Think we should ask?
3. Idle Hands
A 17-year-old burnout wakes up to find his parents decapitated. And his right hand is controlled by Satan who’s using it to kill his best friends. The good news: he’s too stoned to notice. At least until after lunch.
2. The Invitation
The invitation is this: Come over for dinner and I’ll tell you about my near death experience in the Andes. It made me a better person. Really, I think everyone should have one. Oh, and by the way, you’ve just been poisoned.
1. Texas Chainsaw: Next Generation
Hey Mom. I know I was late getting home from the prom, but something crazy happened. We got abducted by this sick family of psychos. It’s true. Just ask Rene Zellweger. She was there. So was Matthew McConaughey. Seriously.