Dancing With the Stars Premiere (and Results)

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As Season 13 kicked off, I immediately made two observations: a) Nancy Grace’s face looks weird (weirder than usual) and b) the cast appears to be carefully (and awkwardly) inching their way down the steps, like they’re afraid of falling.

So, I was about to complain about Ron Artest and how he’s kinda annoying (yeah, that quickly) but then he mentioned that his daughter asked him to do Dancing With the Stars. He then mentioned that he shouldn’t be worried about dancing after his daughter went through chemo at the age of four. *cue the tears* Anywho, he and a new pro, Peta, did the cha cha cha…and Ron was eh. He was stiff and awkward and pretty poorly done, from a technical standpoint. Personally, I would prefer if Ron would put a shirt on because he’s so freaking massive. I’m no prude or anything, but he is just so big that he’s kind of intimidating. He’d look so much more polished in a shirt. Just my two cents. They got 14 out of 30. Eek.

"Rob Kardashian Cheryl Burke"

abc.com

Rob Kardashian was up next, doing the Viennese Waltz with Cheryl. I was disappointed, which is not easy for me to say, because I do like the Kardashians as a whole and I love love LOVE this dance. He wasn’t awful, mind you…but it seemed like he was racing through the steps and he was nervous. However, if he can calm down and become a little more confident, I think he can do pretty well. They received a 16. 

Kristin Cavallari (of The Hills) and Mark (one of my favorite pros) did another rendition of the cha cha cha. And, wow. She was quite good — and, given that it was the first night, I should probably say she was great. Of course, Mark is still as sexy and provocative a dancer as always and, yes, he threw in some Michael Jackson moves. The judges gave them a 19.

"Chynna Phillips Tony Dovolani"

abc.com

Next up: Chynna Phillips (yes, of Wilson Phillips and sister to Mackenzie), who was matched up with Tony. Um, was I the only one who didn’t know that she was married to a Baldwin? It’s Billy, if you’re wondering. They tried the Viennese Waltz…and they kicked butt! Wow. It was the trifecta, I tell ya. Chynna looked beautiful — and her flowing dress was perfect for this dance. Tony chose an excellent song and the choreography was breathtaking. (It doesn’t hurt that Tony is perfect for this dance, by the way…very graceful and elegant and smooth.) Len said it was “close” to being the best first dance he’d seen on the show. Holy guacamole. They got a 22, including one 8!

"Nancy Grace Tristan McManus Dancing With The Stars"

abc.com

Eek. Nancy Grace did the cha cha cha with newcomer Tristan McManus (yes, he speaks with a brogue and, yes, it’s really cute). Wow. That was pretty bad…to say she’s awkward is being polite. And, she’s not very likable (I admit I didn’t like her to begin with). I don’t think she’ll be around for terribly long. The judges awarded her a 16. That was a tad generous.

David Arquette then performed the Viennese Waltz with Kym, and did so decently. I was pretty surprised, actually. And, he’s pretty likable, because he comes across as genuine and sweet. The crowd was on its feet…and the cameraman focused on Courtney Cox, who was standing next to…Pee Wee Herman? What. The. Hell. The judges gave them an 18. Not bad.

Elisabetta Canalis (Italian model who has dated (is dating?) George Clooney) then danced with Val, Maks’ little brother. Um, rawr. I actually wasn’t wowed by either of them, and I sure wanted to be wowed. She is stiff and awkward and he is not outgoing and aggressive enough (not like Maks at all). They received a 15. Yeah, that’s appropriate.

Ooohhhh, another Viennese Waltz, courtesy of Hope Solo (Olympian soccer player) and Maks. I thought the choreography was a little flat. There was nothing special to it. What the heck? It was nice but not great. The judges gave them three 7s.

"Carson Kressley Dancing With The Stars"

abc.com

Carson Kressley then did the cha cha cha with Anna. Is it me, or has he had his lips enhanced? Anywho, he was pretty entertaining. It wasn’t technically great or terribly smooth, per se, but it was high energy and in-your-face. Carrie Ann Inaba said it was her favorite dance of the evening. It was definitely fun. His charisma landed them a 17. Eh.

"JR Martinez Dancing With the Stars"

abc.com

J.R. Martinez was next on the dance card. Wow. What a positive, uplifting guy. Amazing. And then he danced the Viennese Waltz and I wanted to cry. He was amazing. J.R. was just a kid when the front tire of the truck he was driving went over a land mine…he was burned over 40% of his body and has had 33 surgeries since. But he’s so wonderful to watch and listen to because he’s so…remarkable — his attitude, his outlook on life, everything. Truly an inspiration. A 22 (they got an 8 from Carrie Ann Inaba, too.)

Ricki Lake then perormed another Viennese Waltz…with Derek, who has returned! She did quite well, I thought. She looked so pretty and graceful and delicate. And, she’s nice, which should help. The judges awarded them a 20. Not bad.

Which leaves…Chaz Bono, of course. Wow. His footwork! I was astonished! Of course, Lacey kept the choreography to a minimum but what Chaz was supposed to do, he DID. I was shocked, given the way he was talking about himself in the backstage footage. They got a 17. I don’t think Chaz is going anywhere anytime soon.

The results

Rob & Cheryl, Ricki & Derek, and Elisabetta & Val were the first three on the hot seat. Rob and Cheryl were placed in jeopardy. Eek.

A little silliness with the backstage footage then…a song by Harry Connick Jr. Giddy up! Wow. Ummm…he looks a little puffy and what’s with the hair and the very deliberate feathering? On anyone else I would say that they’re trying to blend in a toupee…but, nah. That can’t be the case. No. He announced he was pulling for J.R. Martinez this season, as well as Chaz. Still handsome as ever and charming as all-get-out. *swoon* OK, I’m back.

Hope & Maks, Ron & Peta (Brooke Burke referred to him as “Metta,” as in Metta World Peace…which is now his legal name as of last week), and Kristin & Mark were then placed in the spotlight. Ron and Peta (come on, Metta & Peta, really?) were also placed in jeopardy.

I was about to ask who the heck “LMFAO” were (they’re a music group) but I was speechless as I watched Maks and Val dance. When this routine ended, Bruno Tonioli was standing on the table, with his shirt half off (rather provocatively, might I add). Um, OK.

"Chaz Bono Dancing With The Stars"

abc.com

Chynna & Tony, J.R. & Karina, and Chaz & Lacey then learned that they were ALL safe.

David & Kym, Nancy & Tristan, and Carson & Anna were the last trio to hit the stage to learn their fate. Nancy & Tristan…in the bottom 3! No, I’m not smiling. OK, maybe I am a little bit.

"Ron Artest Metta World Peace"

abc.com

Here we go…Rob & Cheryl were declared safe. Then, the less than shocking announcement that…Metta World Peace had been eliminated. So, I guess Nancy Grace will be here til next week.

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